GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE NOVEMBER 20, 1998

neighbors caring for neighbors

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BIG TIPS

People always confuse my lover's name with mine

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I'm interested in the idea of "letting yourself go." Last night a friend of mine was repeating a conversation she had overheard in a store recently, in which a woman insisted over and over, "Well, that's not going to happen to me. I'm never going to let myself go."

Ignore, for the moment, that that conversation may have reflected unfavorably upon any other characters in the shop at the time, for example, my pal. I thought the whole point of holding it all together was that eventually you did get to let yourself go.

I'm not even saving the letting go for some future date. I've decided to let a little something slip every year. Last year it was sending every birthday card on time.

Now I'm dazzled by the possibilities: Should I start dressing off the floor every morning? (Nah, I'm going to save that one for my forties.) How about neglecting to start facial toning exercises despite the emergence of those tiny wrinkles? That's a good one. I'm letting myself go. I wonder where I'll end up?

Dear Big Tipper,

How shall I go about describing the situation which plagues me? I shall be direct. I do not look like my girlfriend. I do not sound like her, in person or on the phone. We do not have similar jobs, nor do we even come from the same region of the United States. What's the problem? Everyone calls me by her name, and her by mine. It's not even as though people always asked about both of us, or talked about the two of us as inseparable, which

we are not.

I just can not stand to hear one more person stand in front of me and call me by her name. I've seen the same thing happen to her frequently. This happens with friends as well as casual acquaintances, and even my mom has done it. What can we do?

Dear Blame Tag,

I've Got a Name

You're going to have to help me here. What are your names? Maura and Moira? Brenda and Glenda? Brandy and Alexander? Unfortunately, names are incredibly important to the individual, and incredibly easy to forget or just screw up.

I think it's one of the things that happens when you let yourself go. When I was little, my mom would just reel off the kids' names until some guilty party showed up. My brother's wife's name is Marie, and whenever we're talking he mixes up our names. Before my sister married her husband Mike, every other guy she dated was named, well, Mike. (I guess in that case, the odds of screwing up were diminished.) I can't imagine that your really good friends and family are actually forgetting your name. If it's that consistent and upsetting, tell people when it's happening, in a light way.

If that doesn't work, you could consider bowing to the trend. My friend's sister Betty Lou has a girlfriend named Betty Lou (no lie), and they don't have this problem at all.

Dear Big Tipper,

I own a vintage store. Sometimes people bring things to me because they hear I purchase particular types of items. but mostly my things come from trips I make every morning before my store opens, and every day I have off. I own my store by myself, and after a few years of owning it, I am starting to make a reason-

able living from it. I really love dealing with customers, or I wouldn't be in this particular line of work, but there are some incredibly rude things that people do that I just wanted to educate your readers not to do.

1. Don't assume that because I'm a woman, there's a man somewhere else in the store who will know more about the piece, or be able to give you a better deal. I could understand straight men being like this, but gay men are frequently guilty of this. Come on!

2. Do not ask me "where I get this stuff." That's like walking into a department store and asking them for their wholesale resources.

3. Do not assume that because an item is old, it will be less expensive than a new item of a similar nature. There are many considerations that factor into setting prices: the condition of the piece, the current popularity of the designer, the region of the country you're in, recent trends in collectibles, whether or not reproductions are currently in production, etc.

4. In some vintage stores it's okay to deal. Ask the owner if prices are negotiable, and if so, you can make an offer. Don't assume that prices are flexible: it's a store, not a yard sale.

5. If you get what seems to be an obscenely good deal for a valuable item, do not turn to me after the purchase and smugly inform me that I didn't know what I had. There may have been a reason why I cut you a deal, but that certainly won't be happening again, will it? Many customers are great. I have regulars who bring me articles on their favorite designers, and educate me, and I feel like I have a good thing going in the community where we all learn from each other. Being a small business owner has definitely pointed out to me that we all take care of each other. So I'm offering these suggestions in a spirit of community enhancement. Thanks for the forum.

Dear Full Nelson,

I Am What I Eames

What do you mean that clock's $850.00? My grandmother had that same one! Oh, I should have asked her for it? Rats.

Dear Big Tipper,

I particularly enjoyed your reply to the question of how to address a drag queen. You answered correctly. I once was at an old court hangout. There were four of us in the conversation: a queen in drag, her husband, a queen out of drag. and me (in transition at the time). It was she, he, he, and she respectively. We chatted merrily for about an hour and nobody missed a single pronoun. That's when we are showing more respect for the individual than for artificial classifications. Good job!

Dear You Say Potato, Thanks.

His, Hers, Ours

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-a-brac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on this "Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.